June 20, 2020

40

The past ten years leading up to this new milestone birthday have been transformative. I’m going on a journey down memory lane . I’m inviting you to come with me.

At the age of 40, I was lost. What I can remember at this age was I didn’t like myself at all.

I was looking for love in all the wrong people, places and things. I was afraid to go inward and deal with my own demons. I made choices that caused me to question my own character and integrity.

I was in a full on abusive relationship with alcohol. I would would lay up with a 1.5 liter bottle of 15% proof Chardonnay every night and drink until the room faded to black.

The day that changed my life.

1/24/2011 Almost six months before my 41st birthday I got up to get ready for work. I went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror and I didn’t recognize myself. I was looking at my reflection but had no connection to the image I was looking at.

I sat on the toilet and said aloud “what the fuck am I doing!”

I prayed to God that if this was the way I was going to continue living my life then please take me now. The earnestness in my prayer scared me. I really wanted to die in that moment.

I managed to get to work but I couldn’t concentrate, by the end of the day I was starting to withdraw from the alcohol I drank the night before and by the time I got home I had the shakes.

There was a battle going on inside me. I knew if I just had something to drink, the shakes would go away and I would feel “normal” but I also knew if I started drinking I was headed back down a black hole.

I called for help and was told to go to the emergency room. I was shaking so bad I couldn’t drive myself so I called my sister-in-law to come and take me. The hospital helped me get checked into a detox and rehabilitation center where I spent a week. I’ve been sober since.

Nine years later it still feels like yesterday. I am reliving the moment as I am writing this post.

I’m glad that I am still here and I thank my 40 year old self for finding the strength to get help.

If you feel you have a problem with alcohol click here