June 24, 2020

44

At 44 I was going to school and still looking for employment. I was living in my sister’s house and retired myself to the basement. I tried not to disrupt my sister’s life and stay out of the way.

My self-esteem took a big hit, here I was a grown woman no job, no car and living in my sister’s basement.

At this point I had been unemployed for 3 years and living with my sister for almost a year.

I felt like a child, tiptoeing, walking on eggshells and asking for permission.

My brother told me if he were my sister he would have kicked me out. He said I wasn’t trying hard enough and being homeless would make me try harder.

Was I not trying hard enough? I would ask myself that everyday after what my brother said. It was hard to give myself any grace during that time but looking back I did try as hard if not harder than anyone in my position.

My mother chastised me for staying in the basement when my sister had an extra bedroom. She said the basement couldn’t possibly be comfortable. It wasn’t. That’s why I stayed down there because I didn’t want to get comfortable.

I was pursuing a second Bachelor’s Degree in graphic arts. I loved taking art classes. Being creative has always been a catharsis for me.

Going back to school gave me some sense of purpose. I wasn’t just sitting around feeling sorry for myself I was actually working towards something that may have given me another career path.