June 26, 2020

46

My 46th year was pretty steady. Work and my relationship were primary activities. I was gaining confidence in myself. I started taking daily walks and journaling.

Being in a relationship provided an emotional stability that I admit contributed to my new found confidence. It wasn’t the relationship itself but the idea that I was in one.

After the first 6 months of my relationship it became something I held on to longer than I should have. I admit that I had my blinders on and chose to keep them on. I was no longer a priority to him. I knew when it happened and assumed why it happened but I wasn’t ready to end the relationship. We had a conversation (actually more than one) about me noticing the change in our relationship, but I was assured that was not the case.

I knew that things were different but I chose not to trust myself and believe what he was telling me. I don’t think he had bad intentions telling me that we were ok, I think he was more overwhelmed by what was going on in his life that he just wasn’t acknowledging the changes.

I would stay in this relationship limbo for another year.

I put my relationship ambiguity on the back burner and I started my health journey. I was tired of feeling bad physically. One positive thing I can say came out of being neglected in my relationship is that I focused more on myself.

I started a juice cleanse that lasted 114 days. I went from 212lbs to 145lbs. I released some emotional weight as well. I finally made peace with my past. I started seeing a therapist to help me dig deeper emotionally.

I was slowly and steadily moving forward and preparing for the next stage of my journey.