June 29, 2020

49

In my 49th year I was committed to repairing my relationship with myself, but I realize that I keep making myself empty promises and lie to myself to pacify not actively working towards my innermost dreams and desires.

I also want to repair my closest friendships

I have strained relationships with my closest friends because I’m “that friend”. The one who is always dumping their problems and constantly complains about the same issues but takes no steps towards improving their situation. I make passive aggressive comments hoping someone will bite so I can unload my life garbage on them. I know that when my name comes up on their phone my friends roll their eyes and hesitate to answer my calls.

The kicker is most of the issues I dump about are not even mine. They are problems that involve my adult children or my family that I choose to take on as my own. By doing so I’m cheating my children out of life’s lessons they need to learn and I’m erasing the boundaries I need to have in place with my family.

I’ve been responsible for others and have taken on more than my fair share of problems since I was 9 years old. Retroflection is like a reflex now and it’s hard to rewire my brain.

I’ve also spent this year trying to convince myself that I have a right to be selfish. That there is no honor in taking on what is not meant for me.

The very foundation of sanity I need to stay sober is eroding by what I choose to take on.

That’s why returning therapy is so important to me, but this is one of those empty promises I’ve made to myself. It’s been a whole year and I still haven’t gotten reconnected with a therapist.

This blog has been a form of self therapy. I’m putting myself on display in a way that causes me discomfort but I know that in order to grow can’t stay comfortable.