Happy New Year!

I know it’s months later than the calendar new year, but my new year starts in spring. The time change, longer days and more sunshine, spring brings a renewed energy and mood for me that feels more like the new year.

Anyway on to the subject of this post. I’m still in pursuit of a romantic relationship (more on that in an upcoming blog) but I have been looking at all my relationships in total and I’ve noticed a pattern.

I gravitate towards relationships where I’m validated by what I do for others instead of just being who I am.

The relationships where I don’t have to do anything to be validated, I shy away from and more times than not I tend to reject those relationships.

Digging deeper I realize my relationships reflect how I truly feel about myself. I don’t feel worthy of love, validation or acceptance unless I’m doing something for someone. I don’t feel like I’m enough to be accepted for who I am.

This self concept translates into how I pursue romantic relationships and has made dating a bit of a nightmare for me, but I digress.

In order for me to dismantle this concept I have of myself, I have to surround myself with people who validate me as I am.

I have some amazing, dynamic, thoughtful, intelligent, powerful woman in my life who have been my friends for years and have seen me through some of the lowest points in my life.

Because they have shown up for me without asking for anything in return, I have isolated myself from them and caused a strain in our friendships.

One day I decided that I didn’t want to lose my friends and wrote each one of them a letter.

In the letter I told them how much I missed them, that I valued our friendship. I told them what I admired about them, how I desired to stay connected to them what I wanted our friendship to look like going forward, and I closed the letter by letting them know how much I loved them.

This was such a cleansing process for me. I cried as I wrote each letter. I realized how blessed I was to have friends like them in my life and that they chose to be my friends and I didn’t have do anything outside of just being me to be worthy of their friendship.

It was empowering as it was emotional. I validated myself by reaching out, being vulnerable and asking for what I wanted and needed.

As my friends received their letters, I received messages back that they too wanted to stay connected and how my words brought them to tears.

Now that the door has been reopened, the real work begins. I have to say vigilant in maintaining my friendships and not allow my bouts of feeling unworthy get in the way of reconnecting with them.