I fell out with my brother the other day. Basically I stood up for myself and he cussed at me and hung up on me.

He got mad at me for asking him why he wasn’t coming to my mother’s birthday dinner when it’s a milestone birthday. She will be 90 years old September 29, 2021. He went off about having to pay to come to the dinner. Everyone attending will be required to bring at least $30.00 for their food and beverage.

He then went on to complain about how no one helped him pay for her 80th birthday party he threw at my Uncle’s church. I responded with that was 10 years ago and has nothing to do with this celebration. Also I was unable to contribute at that time because I wasn’t employed.

Then he started talking about everyone who owes him money and how he helps everyone, myself included, and no one is there when he needs them.

I said “well I paid you back what I owed you and why are you taking to me crazy. “

He responded with “do you think you’ve paid me all that you owe me?”

I said yes, he said bull$ht, then said I was full of $ht and hung up on me.

After the conversation with my brother I was in tears. I never meant for my comment about my mother’s upcoming birthday dinner to trigger my brother’s rant.

The truth is, for as long as I can remember I’ve been an emotional outlet for my brother whether it’s calling me to make jokes at my expense or dumping his frustrations on me.

In the past I would just sit and listen in silence as he would unload frustration after frustration stemming from his childhood to current day. This time I decided I wasn’t going to let him talk to me any kind of way.

For context my brother is 20 years older than me. This relationship dynamic between us has been going on since my father passed when I was 9 years old. I have been my brother’s emotional support system most of my life.

After the fallout, I discussed the situation with my therapist. I came to the realization that this dynamic has been a hinderance to me in my romantic relationships.

I give my brother a fatherly respect and I allow his emotional needs to interfere with how I relate to potential romantic partners, and I replicate the unhealthy dynamic.

As a result I don’t communicate my feelings well and I take unnecessary judgment and criticism from the men I date.

I’ve even had a past boyfriend tell me that my brother acts more like my boyfriend than my brother. I didn’t think much of it then, but now I can see how someone would make that observation.

Now that I think about it:

• When I don’t answer his phone calls my brother will text me “I know you don’t love me” or “I know I’m not your favorite sibling”
• He will come to my house unannounced
• He calls me his baby
• He never liked any of the guys I’ve dated (I don’t really blame him for this one)

It’s uncomfortable unpacking this situation and I’m glad the fall out with my brother has happened. Now I can create boundaries and redefine our relationship going forward or choose to protect my peace and cut all ties with him, family or not.