I had an epiphany the other day that at the age of 54 I have more years behind me than ahead of me

What struck me in that epiphany is that I don’t have much to account for all those years that are now long gone.

I’m not even speaking about accomplishments but more about who I am, what I want and why I think I still have a lot of time to figure it out

Don’t get me wrong, as long as I’m alive it’s never too late… until it’s too late.

I’ve been stuck living in the past and haven’t realized how fast time is passing me by.

Even with this knowledge there still is no urgency to move forward. “I’ll start tomorrow” is what I’m constantly telling myself. A decade of tomorrows later, tomorrow is still my start date.

I’ve been in therapy for a couple of years and I’m stuck reliving the past and blaming it for why I’m not happy with my life.

I’ll tell the therapist I’m trying to right the wrongs and figure me out. With a straight face I will say it’s because of what happened to the 9 year old me that the 54 year old me can’t get her shit together.

Living in the past is like a time warp, a Groundhog Day so to speak where I keep reliving an experience in my past over and over again in my mind and emotions that I am oblivious to the fact that the world around me is moving forward and getting older. I’m stuck trying to alter history, I’m still reliving the moment that altered my life and trying to fix it

When I live in the past I’m not paying attention to how much time I have and lose track of it being stuck in yesteryear.

I don’t do well in the present, especially when I’m confronted with choice and change. I retreat and my mind and emotions quickly run back to the past.

What happened in my past is the reason why after all these years I haven’t done what I wanted to do, experienced what I wanted to experience and become who I wanted to be. if I disconnect from it, I have no place to hide and I have to face the harsh reality that time is not on my side and I’ve waisted a lot of it reliving my past.