The thought of turning 50 had me running through a plethora of emotions. Fear, excitement, hesitation and disbelief.
In true form, I started should-ing all over myself. “At 50 I should have, I should be, I should have done etc.
My 40’s was a time of transition for me. I was stripped of everything I thought I was, torn down and rebuilt into someone who still has a lifetime of possibilities.
In my 50th year I am going to live authenticity and selfishly. I am my most valuable possession and I need to treat myself as such.
I release the bondage of what society and my own expectations tell me who I am supposed be at 50. I will redefine what age 50 means for me.
I’m looking forward to what the next ten years of life has for me.
In my 49th year I was committed to repairing my relationship with myself, but I realize that I keep making myself empty promises and lie to myself to pacify not actively working towards my innermost dreams and desires.
I also want to repair my closest friendships
I have strained relationships with my closest friends because I’m “that friend”. The one who is always dumping their problems and constantly complains about the same issues but takes no steps towards improving their situation. I make passive aggressive comments hoping someone will bite so I can unload my life garbage on them. I know that when my name comes up on their phone my friends roll their eyes and hesitate to answer my calls.
The kicker is most of the issues I dump about are not even mine. They are problems that involve my adult children or my family that I choose to take on as my own. By doing so I’m cheating my children out of life’s lessons they need to learn and I’m erasing the boundaries I need to have in place with my family.
I’ve been responsible for others and have taken on more than my fair share of problems since I was 9 years old. Retroflection is like a reflex now and it’s hard to rewire my brain.
I’ve also spent this year trying to convince myself that I have a right to be selfish. That there is no honor in taking on what is not meant for me.
The very foundation of sanity I need to stay sober is eroding by what I choose to take on.
That’s why returning therapy is so important to me, but this is one of those empty promises I’ve made to myself. It’s been a whole year and I still haven’t gotten reconnected with a therapist.
This blog has been a form of self therapy. I’m putting myself on display in a way that causes me discomfort but I know that in order to grow can’t stay comfortable.
In my 48th year I became a grandma. Having a grandchild brought to the forefront the difference between today’s grandparents and grandparents of yesteryear. I wrote a blog post about it you can read here.
During the last 6 months of my daughter’s pregnancy up to a year after my granddaughter was born they stayed with me.
I started to realize how I put myself last in my own life. I had been going to a therapist off and on for a year and I all I talked to her about was my relationship, and my children.
Now you may say isn’t that what you are supposed to discuss in therapy? Yes but I wasn’t really digging deep. I wasn’t being completely honest with my therapist. I didn’t flat out lie to her, but I avoided discussing what I really needed to address.
For example, I told my therapist about when my relationship was new we didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. It was our first Valentine’s Day and he spent it with his children and not me. My therapist told me that some people didn’t see those things as important and that I shouldn’t read too much into it.
I just accepted her observation and didn’t discuss how I felt about it. I was more concerned with understanding his perspective than being honest about how I felt. I was upset that we didn’t celebrate Valentine’s Day. To me, the whole point of being in a relationship (especially a new relationship) is to celebrate Valentine’s Day and all other corny couples holidays. Let me be clear, I would never ask anyone to choose me over their children, but I was upset that he didn’t make space for me on that day.
I didn’t disclose to my therapist that I was afraid to rock the boat in my relationship. I was still dealing with residue from an abusive relationship I was in years ago. So as a result in this relationship I didn’t speak up about what I wanted and deserved, I just accepted what was or wasn’t given to me.
I don’t know if I didn’t feel comfortable enough with my therapist or because I have a degree in psychology I was putting on a front.
Anyway, I stopped going to therapy. I’m making it a priority to go back and this time I’m going to make sure I choose the right person. I’ve also made a list of things that I know I need and want to work on to share with my therapist.
In my 47th year I emerged from the basement! After a long hard road of uncertainty, I finally got my own place. I tried to buy a house at first. I fell in love with a colonial style two bedroom two bathroom house but after going back and forth with the owner and switching mortgage lenders, I was done with the process and decided I wasn’t ready for home ownership. It was a good learning experience and I’m glad I tried.
To be truthful, I didn’t really want a house, especially since my children are adults. I want to own property but I don’t want to live in a house by myself. So instead I got a loft.
Anyone who knows me knows how much I wanted to live in a loft.
One thing I learned from living in my sister’s basement for so long is that I don’t need a lot of space. My one bedroom loft is a nice cozy place perfect for me with a lovely view of a park.
I got a promotion at my job and getting it really was an ego boost as well as a financial one.
Me and Dr. Wiley from Clear Choice LASIK right after my surgery
For my birthday, I got LASIK eye surgery. I’ve been wearing glasses since I was 6 years old. I tried contacts but because I had severe astigmatism, I couldn’t see as clearly as I did with glasses.
I had lost 61lbs, moved into my own place and got LASIK. I was moving into a new chapter of my life and I would be starting this chapter a single woman. My relationship of two years had come to an end. I had asked him a while before my eye surgery if he would give me a ride to and from the procedure. He said he would then two days before my surgery he said he couldn’t do it, on top of that I got a happy birthday text at 3 o’clock in the morning the day of my birthday and that was enough for me to finally let go.
My 46th year was pretty steady. Work and my relationship were primary activities. I was gaining confidence in myself. I started taking daily walks and journaling.
Being in a relationship provided an emotional stability that I admit contributed to my new found confidence. It wasn’t the relationship itself but the idea that I was in one.
After the first 6 months of my relationship it became something I held on to longer than I should have. I admit that I had my blinders on and chose to keep them on. I was no longer a priority to him. I knew when it happened and assumed why it happened but I wasn’t ready to end the relationship. We had a conversation (actually more than one) about me noticing the change in our relationship, but I was assured that was not the case.
I knew that things were different but I chose not to trust myself and believe what he was telling me. I don’t think he had bad intentions telling me that we were ok, I think he was more overwhelmed by what was going on in his life that he just wasn’t acknowledging the changes.
I would stay in this relationship limbo for another year.
I put my relationship ambiguity on the back burner and I started my health journey. I was tired of feeling bad physically. One positive thing I can say came out of being neglected in my relationship is that I focused more on myself.
I started a juice cleanse that lasted 114 days. I went from 212lbs to 145lbs. I released some emotional weight as well. I finally made peace with my past. I started seeing a therapist to help me dig deeper emotionally.
I was slowly and steadily moving forward and preparing for the next stage of my journey.
In my 45th year Karma started losing interest me. So I thought.
I finally gained employment after almost 4 years of joblessness. I thought I could see the light at the end of the basement, but Karma was like “hey big head” and it would be almost two more years before I would get a space of my own.
Despite this, I was glad that I had a steady income. It’s sad how much of my self worth was tied up in having a job, but I felt so much better about myself.
I didn’t finish school because my work schedule and school schedule conflicted.
I got a new hair cut, new style and a new car. The car was a necessity because my commute to work was 2.5 hours each way on top of a 20 minute walk to the nearest bus stop from my sister’s house. After I got my car my commute was 25-30 minutes.
I started dating and eventually got in my first relationship since becoming sober. I was starting to get to a good place and the weight of the last few years was lifting.
I really liked being in a relationship because I could focus on someone other than myself. I know now that this is not a good thing and I used this relationship to avoid addressing issues with myself.
That giddy feeling of being in a new relationship had me writing poetry again and I released my book of poems entitled This is my brain on emotion
At 44 I was going to school and still looking for employment. I was living in my sister’s house and retired myself to the basement. I tried not to disrupt my sister’s life and stay out of the way.
My self-esteem took a big hit, here I was a grown woman no job, no car and living in my sister’s basement.
At this point I had been unemployed for 3 years and living with my sister for almost a year.
I felt like a child, tiptoeing, walking on eggshells and asking for permission.
My brother told me if he were my sister he would have kicked me out. He said I wasn’t trying hard enough and being homeless would make me try harder.
Was I not trying hard enough? I would ask myself that everyday after what my brother said. It was hard to give myself any grace during that time but looking back I did try as hard if not harder than anyone in my position.
My mother chastised me for staying in the basement when my sister had an extra bedroom. She said the basement couldn’t possibly be comfortable. It wasn’t. That’s why I stayed down there because I didn’t want to get comfortable.
I was pursuing a second Bachelor’s Degree in graphic arts. I loved taking art classes. Being creative has always been a catharsis for me.
Going back to school gave me some sense of purpose. I wasn’t just sitting around feeling sorry for myself I was actually working towards something that may have given me another career path.
My 43rd year started off rewarding then a life tsunami hit. Karma would pay me a visit and overstay it’s welcome for a few years.
In my 43rd year I received my Master’s Degree in Psychology and was ready to get back into the workforce.
Two months after graduating, I was evicted from my apartment. At the same time I was going through the process of getting a new job.
My brother helped me move out of my apartment and let me stay in his rental property that a tenant had recently moved out of.
During this time, I didn’t have any money and reluctantly learned how to accept help. My friends took care of me and I felt like less of a person. I didn’t feel worthy of their care or concern. I am used to being the one that takes care of others the friend in need. I never wanted to be the needy friend.
I knew what I was going through was Karma. When I was active in my disease I did things I knew I would have to pay for later and the universe came to collect.
I had gotten as far as accepting the new job and filling out new hire paperwork and when I called a few days later to get my start date, I was informed that the job offer was rescinded.
After that, it seemed like the job market dried up, for me at least. I applied and interviewed for several jobs but couldn’t get hired. It was demoralizing, I had experience and a Master’s Degree and I couldn’t even get a retail job.
One of my friends gave me some work cleaning the office building where she worked and paid me under the table.
I got on food assistance and I enrolled back in school to get a second Bachelor’s Degree.
The house I was staying in got infested with bed bugs. I had to throw away most of my furniture and clothing. I had to give my dog Chanel away and I remember crying on the phone to my friend to please find Chanel a good home. By this time I was hanging on by a thin thread.
Throughout this ordeal my resolve to stay sober was strong and miraculously I didn’t want to cope with my misfortune by self medicating with alcohol.
I tried to think of other ways to make a living and I started the first incarnation of this blog entitled All I Have is a Laptop and A Dream. My laptop broke, so I was just left with a dream.
I moved in with my sister and that’s where I would be for a few more birthdays.
At age 42, I got a dog, Chanel, I went vegan for good, and started to come out of my shell.
I was pursuing my Master’s and met some amazing people who are still my close friends.
I learned to be more open and authentic. I had to stretch beyond my comfort zone to be successful with my coursework. My Masters classes were very interactive. We did a lot of team building and it helped me learn to trust my voice and give my input.
This was significant for me because growing up I didn’t feel I had a voice and would only speak through my drawings and poems.
My dog, Chanel was my best friend. The universe knew I needed unconditional love. The fact that it wasn’t from a human allowed me to give and receive love but still focus on myself.
I previously went vegan when I was 40. At the time I figured if I ate healthy it would balance out the fact that I was drinking so much. They call that stinkin thinkin.
When I decided to get sober I gave into any cravings I had as long as it wasn’t alcohol or any other mood altering drug.
When I decided to return to veganism, it was originally for my health, then I evolved to being vegan for the animals. For me I want to live a more compassionate life.
Age 42 was the age I was coming out of my shell, but the real test was coming.
When I turned 41, I was 6 months sober. I had been laid off my job and decided to enroll in school to pursue a Masters Degree
Right before I was to start school I was offered a job that had partnered with the agency I was laid off from. I would be working in the same building and with the same people I had been working with before.
After working there for two weeks I realized that the work environment was a threat to my sobriety and I immediately resigned.
I was committed to staying sober and willing to do whatever I had to do to protect my sanity. I decided I would focus on school and not worry about starting new employment.
During this time I was learning to navigate life without alcohol. I had to learn to trust myself. I had to also be patient as others learned to trust me again. My friendships changed, some of them ended. I had to learn to feel feelings without self-medicating. I was discovering who I am without alcohol.
School gave me an opportunity to reintroduce myself. I could show up as the person I wanted to be without the stains of my past.
lisamevansceo 