I’ve been dating and in relationships on and off for about two years now. I’ve struggled through disappointment after disappointment but I now accept that the common denominator is me.

I don’t truly know who I am, or what I want. I’m still living through my trauma and that is my identity.

I’m looking for someone to fill the holes in my life and give me purpose and only I can do that for me.

But I am not the victim here.

I choose to date men that I know don’t have the capacity or intentions to be what I want and deserve in a relationship.

Again, I’m not the victim.

I go into each situation expecting the worst so I stay guarded. I’m hard to read and hold my feelings and affection close to my chest like a poker player hiding their hand.

I’ll make up a negative scenario about them in my my head to keep my wall up. I’m never really in the moment experiencing the process of getting to know someone and building a relationship with them. I’m just preparing myself for the relationship to end.

I’ll get fixated on the one thing they did wrong that helps to validate the the story I made up in my head about them.

But deep down inside I want to be liked and seek their validation.

So I try harder and go overboard trying to convince the other person and myself that I’m all in by buying gifts and other grandiose gestures to cover up for my lack of showing emotion and affection. Ignoring my intuition and red flags.

I don’t want to let go because I’m afraid I will never find another relationship, and I will end up alone.

Self fulfilling prophecy 101.

The biggest problem is that when things end up the way I created them to, I feel hurt. The part of me that wants to find someone to love and love me and be in a happy healthy relationship is still on the sidelines watching me self sabotage.

What is said trauma? Abandonment and abuse. My father died when I was 9 years old and my life changed drastically. Through her grieving my mother abandoned me emotionally, gave me adult responsibilities and withheld affection. I was left to navigate life on my own. As an adult, I was in a physical, sexual and verbally abusive relationship that has left me with a lot of emotional scars. For the record, I am in therapy but unfortunately healing from this is not an overnight process.

I’m currently in a relationship with a good man the kind that I have always wanted, but my self sabotaging ways are rearing it’s ugly head and I can’t seem to put the breaks on to avoid another relationship train wreck.

I know that up until this current relationship my dating choices and experiences are a direct result of how I’m still experiencing myself through my past traumas. Although I thought I had made progress in improving this, there are still some pieces left that I have to put together.

I would really hate to lose what I have always wanted, but it is unfair to expect him to love me in a way that I don’t even love myself. It is not his job to help put my broken pieces back together since he is not the one who broke me.

I’ve come to the unfortunate realization that my want for a relationship outweighs my readiness for one.

I am grateful for insight.

**Update*** the good man I was currently in a relationship with, broke up with me. I don’t blame him, he doesn’t deserve this version of me.